Back to the grind

I'm back at it.
It's 4:07am and I'm feeling just the way I did.

So much has changed but everything's the same.

New best friends.
New boyfriend.
New apartment.
New school.

All these experiences.
From the car crash and the coke and all of the fights and tears and starving and purging
to all the laughs and time spent in the ocean and in the sun. And with Magic and Scout.
and Tim.

Re:Stacks (BI).

I'll be in a new place by fall. It's terrifying and exhilarating and I just can't believe it.
San Diego sounds alright
San Francisco sounds like a place where I could stay up late
Feel how I do.
Maybe it'll be like Chicago, and I won't have to miss it so much.

I want to write here more often.

Novel Experience

When you surprised me, hugging me from behind
Normally I would have closed my eyes,
holding your arms over my stomach,
squeezing back in a kind of semi hug that would warm me

from the inside out.

My first thought was 'no, please no'
don't feel my size
my weight
don't feel how there is some substance to my frame
how you can't feel every bone

yet.

I hate the way time progresses
A kind of slow torture of the mind
and worse, the body.


Time is the enemy here

that,
 and the monsters inside me.

It'll get you every time

There's always something brewing for me, just beneath the surface. Some things that I don't want to say aloud, because it validates their truth.

Some things slip inside your heart, unnoticed until it's embedded so deeply that there's no easy fix.

The sad girl with the sad eyes is sleeping, hungry, but there's nothing she can do to fill herself up.

She is purged
she is empty
she is feather light

and if you don't hold her down she's going to float away.

Auora changers

I sometimes want to shake myself, screaming, "why aren't you happy?! You have everything, what's wrong with you?!" But still I feel as if something has been taken from me, a kind of thievery of feeling. I remember what it used to feel like , to feel everything and experience what I felt like most people knew as real life, and I know now it's changed, but I don't know who has taken it or where it's gone.

Am I okay?

Such a subtle creeping feeling of loneliness in a room full of friends and loved ones. A kind of hatred of the self that slowly overtakes and envelops, it's the most helpless feeling, but it's comfortable, familiar, I wish it wasn't.

I'd write a little quip like I usually do, but I'm not feeling very poetic.

Long time no feel

I know I'm not fully there but sitting here in my little apartment with my puppy and my music it's the closest I will get until I'm back in Buffalo Grove someday.

Everything around me has changed, but the garden that you planted remains. _Sea Wolf has my heart.

Cold Summer Night

I'm pulling back my covers and sliding into my bed and I'm feeling sleepy and it's just like Chicago. I'm looking around at all the beautiful things I have and I feel so blessed. I could cry I'm so blessed.


The word "beautiful", I've reserved it for you.

Always Return

It's been so long since I've been up past 9, and now it's 4 am and I'm back to what I always do. It feels so nostalgic to be here again in California in my old room with my old things and my old life. Alls the same that always changes. You might go all around the world, but chances are you'll come back home.

I will bloom

Love Song_T&TW

Well, you walked into the room just like the sun
And woke the caveman from his endless slumber
And with the quickness of your arm,
You pulled out a paintbrush,
And you painted the sky back to blue

And I'm standing on top of dirty clothes
There's a tornado spinning in the corner
And electricity flows from your hands into my bones
And my flesh turns pink with its warmth

Oh pretty love, don't worry
With me you don't need a place to hide
So just sit, real, still
And the light will flood in over the hills

And I'm walking around outside
In the springtime everything is sprouting green
And I watched this fight occur, but only thought about lovers
Oh it's strange how the world becomes pure

And you were standing on top of tip toes
In the kitchen as the water starts to boil
And as we removed each others clothes
I thought I would sing some notes
So that maybe you would slow dance with me

Oh pretty love, don't worry
With me you don't need a place to hide
So just sit, real, still
And the light will flood in over the window sill
Oh yeah just sit, real, still
And you and me will bloom
Oh you and me will bloom
Oh you and me will bloom

On the window sill

End of Us

When all is said and done, I'm by myself again, and I guess it comes with relief and sadness both. I'm not sure I'll ever be as close to anybody as I want, because I seem to need to be alone so often.

I feel like I've given up, and I feel awful about that,
but if we couldn't make it through this,
we just couldn't make it.

Relief

It's 1:11 and raining for the first time in California since I've been back. Rain now reminds me of Chicago, and all the feelings I had there. I'll leave my window open tonight and sneak low under the covers, tucking myself in to keep the chill out.

I've made such a mistake. California does not feel like home.









I know these feelings aren't going to change, but I don't want to put scars on your heart resembling the ones on my own. I don't want to tell you the truth, because I know what it feels like when your heart breaks. Maybe this is why I'm always fleeting here or there, avoiding all that I don't want to say. Life is much easier without all these words between lovers.

Gates

If his heart's light as a feather he can walk right in,
It's a shame it's heavier by the burdens of his sins._M

Unfair to Ignore, Impossible to Address

I find myself thinking I've made a mistake. I think it's just that places always make you feel a certain same way; they just have that feel about them, and I was foolish enough to leave a place that felt good. It might be that, it might be the weather, it might be that I had felt safe and alone and I could just worry about me and not have too many people to worry about.

I get so overwhelmed, and feel trapped so easily.










I never thought I was claustrophobic.

I wish I were happier, I have so many happy pictures saved in my pictures. About love, about friendship, about being alive and excited about things. Anything. It's just a waste of such a nice life.

Just quick sprints

I've always been particularly hard to hold on to, and I was hoping this would stick. Fleeting between what I've always dreamed about and wanting to be all alone isn't going to hold up forever but I've never been a long distance runner. Maybe I'm not suited to being in love, or maybe I'm just sad today.

"People searching glance to glance
Moving by real fast like insects and fish when they're scared"_RS

By Myself

According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four legs, four arms, and a head with two faces.

Fearing their power, Zeus split them apart, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other half.




I hope my other half is out there somewhere.

Flying Day

I've got a perfect body, though sometimes I forget,
I've got a perfect body, cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
Yes they do. They do.

Genius

"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself."_ Mark Twain

Who Am I?

“Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we’re quoting.”
— John Green

Tuesday

I love today. All these memories are flowing back to me and all I can think of is how beautiful I feel, how far I've come, and how much more there is to do. But I'm content with the work ahead, because I feel like I can do it.

People are just people. Whether they're mean or happy, or ugly, or accepting, or drinkers, or smokers, or beautiful, or angry, or passionate or in love. And I'm starting to realize what really matters in my life, right now.

Head in the Clouds

I have never been more confused.

I'm the type that thinks they've got it all figured out.
But I don't have anything figured out.
Not at all.

Do I at least look like I'm keeping it together?

Your Day, Your Week, Your Month, Your Year

It's just another Monday, but I'm so smitten, and you made my night. I'm always in extremes. Very happy, very sad, very excited, very very very. I don't mind it though, can't trade this high for anything.

Dreaming of love always gets me this way.

Phoenix

All that can change in one day, will.

You're Your Mothers' Daughter

I should not have come with you today. I didn't want to go, and only went because you seemed angry. And you were, and are, all the time. I thought I might make you feel better, but I didn't. I was only the outlet for you to bitch, in all crudeness and honesty. And it helps you for me to be that outlet so most times I ask the questions that I know you'll answer, and then let you talk it all out to feel better.

Insulting me on purpose just to be malicious, as you never do, well...hurt, and frankly I'm angry now. Maybe malicious isn't the right word. Even though the word "mean" is elementary and juvenile, I think it's more suiting.

The funniest thing is that once you asked what was wrong, and I told you, you didn't take back what you said, you didn't make it better, you just hid behind what you said. And now you seem angry at me, for being hurt by you. Like it's my fault for being sad.


I've noticed I only write anything when sad, or angry. I'm stupid when happy, I think.

I find myself pretending more and more with everyone. It's like we're always on display. I'm glad school will be over soon. Hopefully I will be more happy back home.

Always Behind

"Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."
— Mary Hornbacher

Why do we have to have that distance? Whenever I'm having a good time with other people, especially when I'm laughing, those kinds of thoughts will cross my mind. Those alienating moments when you separate yourself from everyone who wants to be with you and around you.

Why can't I always just be happy? I guess I just like to be sad sometimes. You can't know heaven if you've never met hell, I suppose.


I've always wondered that. When people say that the sad times show us what's good, I always think about asking them why they'd like to go to heaven so badly. If you have eternal happiness, don't you get spoiled and forget how sad things can be? I don't think there's anything wrong in sadness. As long as you feel something, it's okay. When your emotions give up on you, then you know you've got a real problem.

I'm on the cusp of being either very happy or very sad, and I can't tell which. I'm very busy, so I think it's happy. Left alone with not much to do I become sad, but with everyone around, I can't. There's just too much to do right now.
That's the thing, it takes a lot of work to be sad.

Morning Drive

There is something I love about morning. The four to seven frame is best, the way it's bright in a subtle way, not yet illuminated with sun. It's the kind of day I would've gotten up early to make my parents pancakes when I was 9.

I came bumbling into my room, still in underwear, to knock my ankles on the picture frame you gave me, which now sits in its permanent place on my bedroom floor. My poor ankles are sore now, but I think I might like the shape of the bruises.

Today it would be nice to go to the airport, or on the train.

End

"Love is a luxury," she said.
I'd rather be in love than dead,
but not with her, oh god not with her.
She's the type of girl that makes love,
hurt.



The Maine.







I wish my life had a little remote. And a keyboard. Esc. Esc. Esc.

In My Room

We're too young, I hate to love you.

I've Been Held Back By Something

There's something about being up so late that brings out the best in me. My speakers are quietly spilling out my memories and I'll spend just a little more time before enjoying my bed. There is nothing like a good nights sleep, but often all these ideas and schemes don't let me have those. It's alright, I won't mind waiting a bit, because all I've got is time to waste. This summer, I'll go to the beach all the time. I can't wait to take Scout for a walk in the sun, and run from my car to the front door at 3 am, scared of my own shadow.

They say you have to have to have somebody
They say you have to be someones'
They say if you're not lonely alone,
Boy there is something wrong
_Nada Surf

There's nothin' wrong with me. I just don't know who somebody is. But I'd like to be someones'.

Bright Blue

I talked to you on the phone, and you asked what my wish was, but there was no way I'd say my wish aloud. You might never know, cause I might never say a word, but I always wish for the same thing. Love, always.

The click click click of my "blew me away" blue nails thrumming away to these keys is the only sound in this empty apartment, and it's lulling me to sleep.

Goodnight, moon.

Pollen

I spend so much time thinking of him.
If only I knew who he was.




Soon it'll be too warm for me to sleep, even with the windows open and I'll wear raspberries on my finger tips.

Bedtime

It comes in waves, like dreams filled with all these images flooding my head and legs and arms. Being in love is something like being a kid sitting on the beach when a big wave hits you kind of hard, and even though you didn't expect it and now there's sand and salt in your eyes, you enjoyed it just a little bit. Especially that moment after the wave hits you and begins to retreat, pulling you just a couple inches forward.

It feels nice to be out of control sometimes. And it's nice to know you're out of control, and let yourself be so.

It's like that one time Magic took off on me. Somewhere in my head the life preserving me was urging the reins back, telling my voice to yell stop, but my lips were parted, smiling.


I'd like to write down notes that say what I'm to timid to say aloud to leave around your room and in your car to find when I'm not there. Because I want you to know all these things, I just don't want to be there. Being there physically puts you hand in hand with the responsibility and weight of what you just said. No hiding now.

And I want to watch the same shooting star with you, and even maybe tell each other what we wished for,

damn the superstition.

Tick

We can't all be beautiful, we heard her say, pressing the cup to lips one last time before letting it slip from her hand to the floor, where it broke apart into several large pieces, and millions of small ones. And while waiting for the one she had imagined she pushed him and all of us away. I wonder how she is sometimes. Whether she had had too many drinks, stumbled out to the street only to be hit by an oncoming car, the driver now shaken, in hysterics; or whether she still sits at home, safe in her sorrow, still waiting for the one she'd imagined.
I only pray that they are wrong, that I am not her and that sometimes ugly is enough.

Can't Help It

Even though the easiest way to lose something is to want it too much, I can't help but daydream of the days of summer when I can set loose these over rehearsed lines trying to express all these things I've wanted to be.

I can't help but want this too much, as I most of the time, do.

And that thing, that feeling that we found in looking at those photographs, you remind me of that. But to say that doesn't make much sense. I don't even know you.

Stuck in Reverse

When very tired or angry, sometimes I think, you know, someday you're going to die.














E. E. Cummings

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

Atlas

I want to go everywhere with you. With fingertips held just light enough to fall across your skin in some foreign place we'll sit and lay, and without all the push and pull I've become so accustomed to I'll be able to let my breathing slow. And then, as I will try to do at least once per night, I'll synchronize the rise and fall of my chest to your own.

And with the morning lights arrival I'll squint and wonder if the day was real but I'll be content to hold my palms to a warm mug, and once that's gone I'll wind my hands around my legs and fold them together around my knees. I'll step on the carpeted floor of some hotel room thanking god that they're not four star.

Bittersweet

For me to bounce between love and resentment for you is no surprise. Bound, I'll thrash and pull away from your hold until I'm set loose again, all the while leaving you with gashes you won't forget or forgive. The worst part is that I know what'll happen, and will let it happen, damned the consequences.

I know it'll hurt you but there's not a lot I can do for your heart now. Goodbye to one love, hello to another.

Because now my head is filled with fresh cut grass and orange pulp air I can't help but let my heart gain a few inches back into my chest.

Lost Fidelity

The long trip sheds my overconfidence and the delusional thought that I'd love you fades more quickly than I'm ready for, and holding my hand to my heart has become more useless than pretending nothing's wrong. It's a miracle that I can convince myself over and over of something my heart refuses, but I've always been tragically gullible in ways that hurt you more than me.

This pulling and pushing inside my chest is my own fault, and I'll have to face my lie sooner rather than later, so with heavy heart I'll let myself breathe water, calm down for a while, and sleep, because that's all you can do sometimes.

Winter Coat

He laid down his leather jacket and they sat by the water talking and staring up at the stars,
pretending to find constellations that neither of them really knew the names of.

What a Waste

It never ceases to amaze me how many times I can be tricked when I know people will always be let downs.

The First of Flurries

If you wanted more love, why didn't you say so?
Why didn't you just ask me for it?

Looking through all of these quotes I've saved, I realize none of them reflect how I feel now. Seeing all that I've misunderstood and glorified foolishly is at it's most basic, shameful.

I've always struggled between cold and luke warm, which makes me wonder if I'm even capable of all this interaction anymore. It's like the critical period of language has past me by, and I've stumbled past the point of no return with only a few phrases to get by.

Blind

It's so strange to see you in this light. Your face, words, gestures are all distorted and you're not you, you're someone I'm just meeting but know very well. Maybe strange isn't the right word, because there's a calm excitement that makes me smile to your "hello".

And there's this tick when I hear the words I have a feeling that this is it, look out the window and realized what I've missed.

And with this realization I'll finally let my dreaming mind imagine what I would've never let happen before.

When I grow up

It's like seeing through translucent folds of time and space, so everything is aligned in relevance like constellations of what's always been most important to me.

And even in plain view, it still becomes difficult to find what I'm looking for clouded in the fear of young ignorance or the inadequacy gifted to us by old age.







When do we live?

Surreal

It was that night I discovered that most things you consider evil or wicked are simply lonely. (Big Fish)

If Only

I wish it was Christmas, rather than Halloween. With a hand to hold and my mind less on edge I might be able to get some sleep. I could use a drink, and that's all really not like me. Distance has changed me for the worse I'm afraid. I'd just like to get on the road, and whether driving or sitting in the passenger seat I'd be alright.
















I'm hoping my nightmares will subside for the night, first because I'm home all alone, but mostly I just can't afford these nerves. How am I ever going to grow up when there's monsters under my bed?

It's Scary

What's really frightening is wanting something for so long, only to realize that you're terrified of it in the first place. And when it's within reach you'd think I'd jump at the chance, but all the signs of my restraint have been present all along, tripping me while convincing everyone that it was just my own feet. It's hard to draw the line between what my head thinks and heart feels when both sides are convincing. Be careful what you wish for?

Enough Said :]

It's Just Tendency

“There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters… I could be their leader.”
— Charlie Brown

The last day of sun

My frozen hands and toes are letting me know that the chill is coming and all I can describe this moment as is soft. The snow star Christmas tree lights I hang around my mirror illuminate my room and the sheets I tie dyed myself to hang on the ceiling as my eyelids are getting heavy.

In moods like this I always want to drive around or find a park. Maybe it's just by habit that I want to do things like that, pulling at little moments of times I'll always remember.

I'm almost always incredibly somber, sentimental, or silly.

Everytime

Always makes me laugh :}